Demonic Devotions
by AngelSpikeComedy
Summary: Demonic Devotions.Fred and Wesley attempt to find a way to make Spike Corporeal, but something unexpected happens in the process. Angel and Spike reflect on their love lives and get more than they bargained for. Lorne and Spike try to solve their differ


Angel Season 5- The Unseen Episode, 4.1, Demonic Devotions 

EXT STREET

Angel and Spike are standing in the middle of an empty road. They are side by side and both are wearing long black coats, which conceal vast amounts of weaponry. Angel has the usual stakes attached to each of his wrists and is holding a broadsword. Spike is brandishing a heavy axe with a curved handle and has a crossbow strapped to his back. A ferocious looking dragon is flying overhead and is about to attack them.

Angel  
Do you want to go first or should I

Spike  
Hey, if you let me chop off its balls then by all means go first

Angel:  
Er, what s that supposed to mean

Spike:  
Can t you remember the damn pep talk Wesley gave us this morning if you can get rid of the damn thing s virility then you can t get no more baby dragons to come and eat us for lunch, dinner and tea

Angel:  
What about brunch? I love Brunch

Spike:  
Dust, what s with you Americans and the Brunch anyway

Angel:  
May I remind you that I am Irish

Spike  
üÿ Yeh, right, but Brunch

Angel:  
We just love the word

Spike  
Why did you bring me along on this stupid expedition anyway, I should be er, yeh, be busy haunting my turf

Angel  
By that you mean my turf, I brought you along, because

Spike sighs as the dragon flies closer towards him

Angel:  
Spike, dragon

Spike  
What

Angel  
Duck

The dragon slams into Spike and knocks him over, his axe falls to the ground

Spike  
Eh

Angel jumps into the air and thrusts his sword into the dragon s neck as it hovers over Spike. As the dragon dies and its body falls to earth, Spike looks up at Angel in amazement

Spike:  
Er, what did you say

Angel gives Spike a cheesy smile

Angel  
Quack

Spike:  
Very funny Angel

Another dragon is visible in t can only get a dragon for a date

Spike:  
Let me deal with this one you stupid leprechaun

Angel  
Go ahead see if I care. I don t care

Spike  
Come closer so I can extinguish your flame dragon

The dragon agrees to Spike s request and sends a bolt of fire Spike s way, Spike rolls out of the way, whist Angel puts up his guard from the dragon s horns

Spike  
Take this dragon

Spike fires at the dragon and misses; he picks up the fallen crossbow bolt and plunges it into the dragon s underside.

Spike:  
And that n all

The dragon falls dead on the ground next to Angel

Angel  
Yay lil Willy got one

Spike:  
Hmm, tell that to your son

Angel:  
Don t talk to me about Connor

Spike  
Oh yeh, Connor, Oh I know Connor, that little brat who you don t see anymore, right

Angel:  
How do you know about him? He loves me, I guess and I love

Spike:  
The dragon

Angel:  
What

Spike  
The dragon

Angel looks stunned. Lorne is visible in the distance; Spike turns to look at him

Spike:  
Have you ever seen the film Shrek Angel

Angel:  
No

Spike  
Oh, I forgot, you re total Give Us a Clue when it comes to TV

Angel:  
I m too busy to watch it cos there s that little matter of managing my evil law firm, okay

Spike  
Not too much trouble to watch at 2am

Angel:  
Alright, what s with the Shrek thing

Lorne walks up to Angel and Spike

Lorne:  
Hi guys

Spike:  
Let me deal with this one you stupid leprechaun

Angel  
Go ahead see if I care. I don t care

Spike  
Come closer so I can extinguish your flame dragon

The dragon agrees to Spike s request and sends a bolt of fire Spike s way, Spike rolls out of the way, whist Angel puts up his guard from the dragon s horns

Spike  
Take this dragon

Spike fires at the dragon and misses; he picks up the fallen crossbow bolt and plunges it into the dragon s underside.

Spike:  
And that n all

The dragon falls dead on the ground next to Angel

Angel  
Yay lil Willy got one

Spike:  
Hmm, tell that to your son

Angel:  
Don t talk to me about Connor

Spike  
Oh yeh, Connor, Oh I know Connor, that little brat who you don t see anymore, right

Angel:  
How do you know about him? He loves me, I guess and I love

Spike:  
The dragon

Angel:  
What

Spike  
The dragon

Angel looks stunned. Lorne is visible in the distance; Spike turns to look at him

Spike:  
Have you ever seen the film Shrek Angel

Angel:  
No

Spike  
Oh, I forgot, you re total Give Us a Clue when it comes to TV

Angel:  
I m too busy to watch it cos there s that little matter of managing my evil law firm, okay

Spike  
Not too much trouble to watch at 2am

Angel:  
Alright, what s with the Shrek thing

Lorne walks up to Angel and Spike

Lorne:  
Hi guys

Spike:  
Loren here is a big green, mean fighting machine and you are an annoying Ponce of a Donkey who

Lorne:  
Too much Sangria in your blood Angel

Angel:  
It s not what it looks like  
üÿ Spike  
Oh, don t they all say that

Lorne:  
Quit it with the games kiddies, cos I got something I got to tell you all. And you got a serious attitude problem Spikey, I may be green, but I ve got horns up here in my noggin and not a pair of suckers in sight. And don t you know that I hate to get mud on my tux

Angel:  
We hear ya, and by the way, can one of you guys help me get this thing off my legs

Lorne  
Sorry no can do Angelo, I thought I would open the club for one last time this evening as a kind of goodbye, cheerio celebration, you know what I mean Sparky. I ve got a performance of a life time down at there tonight, a thorax demon and a vampira doing a Sonny and Cher number, should be a lot of fun so bye byes

Spike:  
And I er, gotta run, er, I mean, something s sucking me back towards your stupid law firm. I hate it when this happens

Angel  
Make sure you turn yourself invisible, cos you look a little stupid like that

Spike:  
I don t choose to turn myself invisible

Lorne:  
Oh mystical forces guide this infidel away from mine sight

Spike  
Oh mystical forces show this scumbag the way back to the Land of Oz

An unseen force drags Spike back towards Wolfram and Hart, whilst Lorne walks away in the opposite direction

Angel:  
Guys& .A little help here guys

One of the wooden stakes falls from Angel s sleeve onto the ground

INT WOLFRAM AND HART SCIENCE LAB

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
Eureka, I ve discovered something

Winifred:  
You re the only scientist I know who says eureka

üÿ Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2  
And haven t we all heard that before

Winifred:  
Hmm, what have you found Scott

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
We ve found a way to make the vampire corporeal again

Winifred:  
Have you tested it

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
Sorry, but no

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:  
We attempted to test the formula on the Phantom Dennis, but he erm

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
Kind of chased us out of the house

Winifred:  
He doesn t like people invading his home, it s his now, I mean while Cordy s in the way that she is

Winifred has a look of sadness about her

Winifred:  
Anyway, back to business, so Scott, what is the solution that you ve come up with

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
Well I scraped off a microscopic sample of the Vampire s pendant that you said not to talk about, but I just have done and mixed it with the potion that I got from the  
üÿ Winifred:  
What potion

Wesley walks into the lab

Wesley:  
I can explain that, Fred can I talk to you in private for a moment

Winifred:  
Alright people, let s keep up the work, I ll be back in a minute

Winfred and Wesley walk into Angel s office, which is empty

INT ANGEL S OFFICE

Winifred:  
So what s all this about the potion

Wesley:  
When I was patrolling in the sewers last night I came face to face with a Charmonic Demon

Wesley takes a book from under his arm and shows Winifred the picture of the Charmonic Demon

Wesley  
After I was about to decapitate it, it said that it had some information that was of use  
üÿ to me and it told me that if I spared its life, which I did, then it would give me a bottle of Reuniting potion. It said that if the potion is set alight and a vampire is exposed to its rays then it would heal the worst malady that it has. Other than being dead anyway

Winfred:  
So if we expose Spike to its rays then Spike will become corporeal again

Wesley:  
That s right

Winfred:  
Oh Wesley I m so happy

Winfred hugs Wesley, Wesley looks bemused

Winfred:  
But what about my scientific research

Wesley:  
Well of course a method has to be perfected for it to work, which is where you come in Fred

Winfred  
I ll get on it right away

EXT STREET

Angel is lying on the ground with the body of the dragon still upon his leg. He tries several times to lift it off him, but he doesn t succeed on any of the attempts. He has a  
üÿ look of exhaustion about him, which shows that he has little strength left to try any more

Angel:  
Damn this thing is so heavy. Loren& .Spike, anyone there, even you Wesley

Gunn approaches Angel; his clothing is significantly different from the usual tailored suit, he is wearing a hooded top, bandana and is carrying a flail

Gunn:  
What s up bro

Angel  
Hey, Gunn, why are you dressed like that

Gunn  
Hey, we all gotta go casual sometime, even lawyers like me

Angel:  
Any chance you could get this thing off my leg

Gunn:  
I never abandon any of my brudas in a fight, but looks like the fight is over

Angel:  
As your boss, I am telling you to get this lizard off me

Gunn:  
Hey no sweat, the constitution says that no one must

Angel  
Quit it with the crap Gunn and

Gunn:  
Sorry man but the chip keeps butting in you know

Gunn lifts the dragon s leg off Angel

Gunn:

There you go, do you need a help getting up

Angel  
No, I m fine

Angel gets up with difficulty but shrugs off any sign of weakness as soon as he is off the ground

Angel:  
So er, where the hell have you been these past two weeks

Gunn  
I ve been working on that case, you know, the one with the crazed vampire and his whore

Angel:  
Oh yeh, and are they paying customers

Gunn:  
My god, you are sounding more like Cordy every day

Angel looks agitated at Gunn s mention of Cordelia

Angel:  
I said are they paying customers

Gunn  
Sure, they are and I m right on it. We get plenty of money coming in now we ve got lots of clients, they don t all need to pay, unofficially anyway

Angel

But why has it been taking so long

Gunn  
Well we ve had lots of other cases to solve, I mean little money involved, but we ve had the whole Spike issue and me and Wes have been up to our necks in demon slime hunting for those relics that warlock needs to open the portal to the Gothiric dimension, to get the tonic for Cordelia and

Angel:  
But no money

Gunn:  
Well, you were the one that said we had to prioritise

Angel:  
Gunn, I m sorry, I m just worried about Cordy

Gunn:  
Look, she s been well taken care of in the medical facility.

Angel:  
I know but she might wake up and I won t be there when she does

Gunn:  
You will be

Gunn is trying his best to cheer Angel up so he adopts a less serious tone of voice

Gunn:  
Her hair looks really nice. She can go into any shop in LA and they would know she s

a movie star

Angel:  
Yeh, she always looks like that. Gunn

Gunn:  
Yeh

Angel:  
Let s get back to the office, we have a lot of work to do

INT LORNE S CLUB

Lorne is sat on a bar stool and is singing a rendition of Yesterday by the Beatles. He finishes the song with a lengthy note then introduces the last performance of the night

Lorne:  
And the moment we ve all been waiting for folks, its Sonny and Cher

A Thorax demon and a female vampire come onto the stage and are singing Sonny and Cher s I Got You Babe Lorne sits at the bar and sips his Sea Breeze slowly. Spike sits next to him

Spike  
Mind if I join you

Lorne:  
Sure, my fanged friend, but it s not like you to not skip the pleasantries  
üÿ Spike:  
Well I got a lot of things on my mind is all. Drink

Lorne  
What s a demon without his drink?

Spike:  
Ghost

Lorne  
Want to try a Sea Breeze? You can taste the grapefruit on your tongue or tongues like my friend the thorax demon here.

Spike:  
If I ever drink that poofy drink, I will iron your silks for all eternity. Give me a whisky

Lorne:  
Here you are amigo

Lorne slides a glass of whisky to Spike across the table. The thorax demon goes way off key

Lorne:  
Boy those two are giving me a headache

Spike  
üÿ  
Give me a whole bottle

Lorne takes a bottle of whisky from the bar and hands it to Spike. Spike snatches it and slams it onto the table

Spike:  
And a shot glass

Lorne:  
We are a little off our rocker today aren t we

Lorne gives a shot glass to Spike. Throughout the conversation, Spike constantly fills his glass with whisky from the bottle and gulps it down

Spike:  
Cheers mate

Lorne:  
We ll what s with the ghosty blues

Spike:  
I was thinking about Buffy and what she said to me before I died& .again

Lorne:  
Was it I hate you bloodsucking monster

Spike:  
I love you

Lorne:  
You love me, well that s nice. You ghosts get drunk pretty easily don t you  
üÿ Spike:  
No that s what she said to me

Lorne:  
Oh, let me sing a song to cheer you up. I m glad those two have finished, I was getting vibes of cold turkey from them. So what do you want? Help , Moody blues a bit of Singing in the rain

Spike:  
Don t go all Casper on me

Lorne:  
Okay, so let s hear your story

Spike:  
Oh Buffy, Dru, and that thing with Anya.

Lorne:  
And Harmony

Spike  
Just a make do

Lorne:  
What s the prob sunshine

Spike:  
Don t go near no sunshine okay or I will bite your damn head off

Lorne  
Erm no thanks, last time my head got detached I was like John the Baptist with my body in a beetle pile. Go on  
üÿ Spike:  
Any woman I ve ever had has ditched me cos I m not good enough. I still have thoughts about what Dru did with that damn chaos demon. A chaos demon

Spike throws his glass into a wall

Lorne:  
Hey, easy there Spikey

Spike  
And I get this bloomin soul and Buffy still won t love me. And I can t even have a bit of heave-ho on the side cos I ain t got a bit of body in me. I ve got a soul, but no damn body

Spike leaps to his feet and in a fit of rage throws a bar stool into the glass bottles behind the bar, which breaks them all, sending shattered glass everywhere

Lorne:  
Oh my club! This is the third time this month that I m going to have remodel the bar. So much for anti-violence charms

Spike:  
You re closing it tonight

Lorne  
But I need to have it perfect tonight, better get my contact list out

Spike  
I m going to be sick

Lorne  
What is with you and the gang always wrecking my bar? It s because I make Angel sing isn t it? Now get out Spike, before I throw you out

Lorne puts on his most frightening face, which isn t very convincing

Wesley enters the club as Spike pushes past him

Wesley:  
Ghosts can t throw up according to my studies, what is wrong with him anyway, thought he could hold his liquor

Spike:  
You can t even hold half a pint mate

Spike holds his stomach

Spike  
I think I will be going, whilst I am throwing& .up

Spike rushes out of the door and throws up in the street, whilst Wesley looks surprised  
Wesley  
That was bloody awful poetry

INT WOLFRAM AND HART SCIENCE LAB

The entire science team of Wolfram and Hart are frantically rushing around reading textbooks, performing calculations and experiments in an attempt to find a way to make Spike corporeal. Winifred is reading a book, which is about potion making

Winifred:  
Right, this book says that if we add something belonging to the subject to the potion then it will become activated.

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
Well, the pendant belongs to the subject, so why don t we just add that

Winifred:  
We have to think more logically about this Scott and avoid taking risks

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
Well, I kind of just did that

Winifred:  
You idiot, what did you do that for without consulting me, you ve ruined it

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:  
We did consult with you  
üÿ Winifred:  
I said not to add it until I was sure it would work

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 1:  
The book says that it will do, doesn t it

Winifred:  
What the Hell? We ll just have to go with it, though I m not liking this very much

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:  
According to our calculations, everything should run smoothly at this point

Winifred  
Okay, now the tests showed that by exposing the solution to heat, the potion would glow

Wesley enters the lab

Wesley:  
Okay, I ve been to check on the others and they will all be here shortly. How is the work going

Winifred:  
We have activated the potion, but now we need to make it glow

Wesley:  
Do you have a Bunsen burner in here

Winifred:  
This is a multi million-dollar lab, of course, we have a Bunsen burner, and in fact, we have five hundred

Wolfram and Hart scientist 2 produces a Bunsen burner from a cabinet and sets up the equipment. He places the potion bottle between a pair of tongs and gently heats it. The potion begins to glow.

Winifred:  
It worked, Wesley you are a genius, well actually, I am the genius but you re pretty smart

Wesley:  
This is just like Watcher s Academy science

Winifred:  
We ve got to tell Angel the good news

INT SPIKE S ROOM

Lorne is holding a cigar end, which he drops, onto the floor. He looks at the remains of Spike s bed, which has a large hole in the middle of it caused by a cigar burn. Spike enters the room

Spike  
What the fuck did you do to my bed

Lorne:  
I kind of set it on fire with my cigar

Spike  
You sat on my bed

Lorne:  
You owed me for that whisky sonny Jim, so I had the right

Spike  
You burned my bed; you are so gonna pay for that

Lorne:  
Just sleep in your grave, R IP

Gunn enters the room

Gunn;  
Hey Spike, Lorne what happened here

Spike:  
This son of a demon bitch burned my bed

Gunn:  
The blaming will have to wait; Angel wants you in his office

INT ANGELS OFFICE

Wesley, Winifred, Gunn, Lorne and Spike are standing in the office apart from Angel who is seated behind his desk and is looking very authoritarian

Spike:  
Morning Angel, see you got rid of the big bird before sunrise

Angel:  
Shut the hell up Spike

Winifred:  
I ve got some good news, and some bad news, which do you want first

Spike turns to look at Lorne

Spike  
I can tell you the bad news, Fisher Price horns here, burned my bed

Gunn:  
That s the eighth time you ve said that

Spike:  
Hey, I may be dead, but I still need my shuteye alright? I can still touch stuff

Angel:  
Loren, buy him a new bed. Fred what s the good news

Winfred  
I have found a way to make Spike corporeal again

Wesley coughs

Winfred  
I mean we

Spike:  
Finally, I ll be able to feel something and have it feel me

Angel:  
Oh goody, Spinnochio gets to be a real immortal boy again. What s the bad news

Wesley:  
We haven t done this before, so we don t know if it ll work

Spike:  
Oh great, there s always a catch

Winifred:  
But we can do it right away

Spike  
Oh goody

Angel:  
Hey, I say that

Gunn:  
Look lets just get on with this

Winifred:  
Right, Spike, what I need you to do is to look at this light

Winfred takes the glowing potion out of her bag and holds it up in the air. Spike doesn t look at the light as he is staring at Angel who is staring back at him

Angel:  
As if a light can make him corporeal

Winfred:  
Just walk closer to me and turn this way

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2 walks into the room

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2:  
Spike don t walk towards the light or it will kill you

Spike:  
I m already dead you jackass

Wolfram and Hart Scientist 2  
I mean I read the book again Winfred and you have to throw it on him, cos if you point it at him it s direct sunlight. Throw the potion on him.

The scientist shows Winfred a diagram in his book that explains the process she must do to make Spike corporeal

Winifred.  
Now why didn t I think of that? Here goes

Angel:  
Wait, we don t know if it will work, it doesn t look like the right po

Winifred throws the potion at Spike. Angel trys to move Spike out of the way, but before he can complete his sentence and avoid the potion, he and Spike are covered in the potion

Winifred:  
Oh oh

Gunn:  
Fred, you got Angel

Winifred  
Angel tried to save Spike

Angel and Spike start to glow. The glow becomes increasingly brighter over 10 seconds

Lorne:  
This is beginning to be a lot like Vegas

The potion weakens Angel and Spike and they become trapped in a vortex. Several large cuts appear upon their bodies and they are both covered in blood. Spike screams with pain, but seems to be enjoying it. Angel is in agony

Spike  
I m corporeal! This vortex is bloody hurting me! I can feel pain

Angel  
I m corporeal! This vortex is hurting me! I can feel pain! Get me out of this thing

More cuts appear upon their bodies and their shirts are torn to shreds by the vortex. A large ball of energy forms above them and falls upon their heads, knocking them both down. The vortex, ball and glow disappear to leave Angel and Spike upon on the floor unconscious

INT ANGEL S ROOM

Spike and Angel are laying side by side in Angel s King sized bed. There is a big gap between them. Angel is in his vest and trousers but Spike is wearing only his black jeans. They are both covered in bandages, Angel s wounds are significantly better dressed than Spike s. Winfred and Gunn, who is now dressed his usual clothing, are seated at Angel s table.

Winfred  
I never knew Spike was so muscular

Gunn  
I never knew Angel had any muscle

Winifred laughs

Winifred:  
Oh you, there they are together, couldn t put them any closer or they would be fighting in their comatose condition

Gunn:  
Well Spike s not having my bed

Winifred:  
Tension between him Loren and Wesley s not good, and my room s not exactly vampire friendly

Gunn:  
And his is toast so I guess this is the only place

Winifred:  
At least I bandaged them up pretty well

Gunn:  
So you did my sweet

Gunn gives Winifred a kiss on the cheek

Winifred:  
I took extra care with Angel. After all, he did save me from Pylea.

Gunn looks agitated

Winifred  
And so did you

Angel wakes up

Gunn  
Hey, Angel s waking up

Angel opens his eyes and holds his head

Angel:  
What the hell am I doing here

Angel sees Spike next to him

Angel:  
And why is the guy off the hair dye advert next to me

Winfred:  
We d rather not explain right now Angel, you need to rest and get better

Spike wakes up

Spike  
Damn, what a crap night I ve had

Gunn:  
Yo, Spike man, you re back, how are you feeling

Spike:  
Like Iv e been sleeping in a bed with some guy I don t know, you

Spike sees Angel next to him

Angel  
Er, hi

Spike:  
Can I have a glass of blood please; this guy is ticking me off

Angel:  
Who are you

Spike:  
The black guy said I m Spike, and you ve got a girly name

Angel:  
It s Angel& I think

Spike  
Don t I hate you

Angel  
Well why are we sleeping together then

Spike:  
Guess you re my bitch then

Gunn:  
Are my ears deceiving me or is there something not right here

Winifred:  
Okay er, you two just get well now and we ll be back later.

INT LOBBY

Lorne is standing in the lobby and is moping around absent-mindedly. Winifred descends the stairs and walks towards him

Lorne:  
What s the problem now? I already got a club to fix and my head s playing bangers and mash

Winifred:  
I need your help Loren

Lorne:  
If it s about Spike, I m not interested. He turned my chances of selling my club from a quick sale into a boot sale

Winifred:  
Yeh, it is about Spike, but also about Angel kind of

Lorne:  
Have those two sleepyheads woken up yet

Winfred  
Yeh they have but they are acting rather strangely. I want you to read them

Lorne  
Erm, there s nothing ticking in me

Winifred:  
I think Spike is going a bit loony

Lorne  
I thought that he already was a bit loony toons

Winifred:  
They both appear to have memory loss, it s rather hilarious really

Lorne:  
Well if there s a chance of hilarity, which I really need these days, then I suppose I could help you, and embarrassing Spike by having him sing would really be amusing,. Let s get them down to the club. Erm, but Spikey Can t leave this place though can he, won t he just get dragged back here

Winifred:  
Well if we re quick then everything should go as planned, I hope he s not like Angel though. Better bring my earmuffs

INT LORNE S CLUB

Spike, Angel, Winifred, Lorne and Gunn are seated around table 18, which faces the stage

Winifred:  
Wesley couldn t make it; he s busy finding the relics for the warlock, but I brought my earmuffs

Gunn:  
Right so what in the world are we gonna do with these two

Spike  
Question, what in the world are we doing in a lame, run down place like this

Lorne:  
Hey, Mr Radioactive, that is my club you are talking about

Spike:  
Oh shut your mouth, you idiotic piece of snot

Lorne:  
I m getting readings of bad humour here

Gunn  
Loren man, just do the damn reading will you

Lorne:  
Right Dracula and Nosferatu, get onto the stage

Angel:  
I d rather not

Winifred:  
I d rather you not

Lorne  
I ve got some Elvis

Angel  
Oh, that s different

Winifred:  
Let s get this over and done with.

Lorne  
Right, let s go

Angel sings a verse of Suspicious minds by Elvis Presley. He goes off key several times

Winifred:  
What are you getting Loren

Lorne:  
Not much, just that he s in great danger

Gunn:  
That s serious, what kind of danger

Winifred:  
Not getting past the first round of American Idol

Lorne  
No, he s going to lose his soul through true happiness

Gunn  
Again, why now

Lorne:  
I don t know. Right, Angel I ve had enough of you for one day

Angel:  
Wasn t I great

Spike:  
My Satanic bud, you rock

Angel slicks his hair back

Angel:  
Well I am the king of rock and roll

Winifred  
Er, yeh that was really royal, guess it was better than the Barry Manilow anyway

Spike  
Ooh, is it my turn

Lorne:  
Unfortunately, yes

Spike walks on to the stage and sings God Save The Queen by the Sex Pistols

Spike  
I m the Sid Viscious of the vampires

Lorne:  
He s good; can someone get this guy a guitar

Spike pretends to play guitar as he sings

Winifred:  
Isn t it Johnny Rotten who sings

Spike:  
Oh, does it matter? Now all I have to do is make the Queen a vamp like me, then she can live forever punks

Angel:  
Go hun, you look really great up there

Spike:  
Oh my, I m so flattered. Angel, Come and be my Queen up here

Angel  
Gladly

Angel climbs onto the stage

Spike:  
Oh Dru never gave me no love, Harmony wasn t worth loving, I now can t remember their names. I am so cured

Lorne:  
Oh dear, the vibes are not good

Winifred  
What is it

Lorne:  
Nothing

Gunn:  
What

Angel kisses Spike on the cheek

Spike  
Can we have a couple of Sea Breezes over here, bartender

Lorne  
Fred, Spikey here, is so going to be ironing my silk shirts for all of eternity

INT SPIKES ROOM

Lorne and Angel are carrying a heavy bed into Spike s room

Spike  
Put it over here. Great King size, Lorne

Lorne:  
It s Loren

Spike:  
Okay Lauren, dump it by the table

Angel and Lorne put the bed by the table

Spike:  
Now leave me and my mate here alone, while we change into something a little more comfortable

Spike kisses Angel. Lorne looks disgusted

Angel:  
And while you re waiting, go and try out your cosmetics. You need a bit more green blush to cover up your wrinkles

Lorne looks surprised. Spike gives him a big smirk

Spike:  
He s learning fast. You re becoming more like me everyday aren t you my Poofty Woofty

Lorne:  
I m getting out of here fast

Lorne leaves the room quickly

Angel:  
Loren makes a good sea breeze, but I like baby cham better

Spike:  
After that lousy drink I fancy a bit of rough and tumble, don t you my sweet

Angel:  
Do you want me to get all Liam on you

Spike:  
No I like you just the way you are Angel Dust

INT LOBBY

Wesley enters through the front door. He is holding a golden relic

Wesley:  
Right I got the relic, what did the singsong uncover

Gunn  
You should have seen it Wes

Winifred:  
Angel kissed Spike on the cheek, it was cute

Gunn:  
Help me lord. Another one of us going crazy now

Winifred:  
At least it s better than them fighting anyway

Gunn  
Er, Angel s soul go, he go evil, the whole Angelus issue all over again

Winifred:  
It stops them moaning about their love problems, I m so sick of hearing Angel talk about Cordy and Buffy

Wesley:  
Gunn, get the cage ready. Looks like we are going to need it

Lorne comes running into the club

Lorne:  
Oh the horror. I m so sorry I didn t tell you guys this before

Wesley shakes Lorne violently

Wesley  
What is it man

Gunn:  
Correction, demon

Lorne:  
They re thinking of going down the sunset strip

Gunn  
Always wanted to go there

Lorne:  
Together with no women in sight. Angel s happiness? Sex with Spike

Wesley:  
We have to do something about this

Winifred:  
I ve been saying that all along, erm it was kind of obvious with all the kissing and female impersonations

Gunn:  
You said they looked cute

Winifred:  
But Angelus isn t

Lorne:  
Spike certainly wasn t cute the other night. All he talked about was his lack of love interest

Gunn  
He has plenty now

Lorne:  
He said that because he s not corporeal, he couldn t have any of the old boom boom. Right I ve got to get back to my club, cheerio

Lorne leaves

Wesley  
Just a moment, I think I ve worked out why the potion didn t work. Fred, you did say that Angel is upset about Cordy right, but does he still care about Buffy

Winfred:  
Yeh, he said that Buffy was his true love. Why can t I be his true love

Gunn:  
I thought I was your true love

Wesley is mumbling to himself

Winifred  
Yeh, you are. I was just fooling around

Wesley  
Oh Fred, how do you feel about going blonde

Winifred  
Well I have thought about it, but

Gunn:  
Yeh, you d look really nice

Wesley:  
She could wear a wig

Gunn  
Oh Wesley, are you thinking what I am thinking

Wesley:  
You are most certainly thinking what I am thinking

Gunn:  
Fred

Wesley  
How do you feel about being Buffy

Winifred:  
I get to kiss Angel don t I

Wesley and Gunn sigh

Winifred  
I m sorry Charles, but I have to do what I must do for the good of the world

Wesley:  
Gunn, by being Buffy, she can release Angel and Spike s urges for love

Winifred:  
Thereby releasing them from their state of pre

Wesley  
Fred, what did I say yesterday

Winifred  
Sorry, no technical terms in front of Gunn

Wesley:  
You re a bit thick, Gunn so

Gunn:  
I m the high flying Lawyer here

Wesley:  
And you have a chip in your potato chip of a head

Gunn  
Ha, ha that is so funny

Winifred:  
I m off to slay some vamps. And make love to the ones with souls

Wesley:  
No slaying

Winifred:  
I m just getting into character

INT SPIKES ROOM

Angel and Spike are sitting next to each other on Spike s new bed

Spike:  
Did you know that I used to be in love with a girl

Angel laughs

Angel:  
So did I as a matter of fact

Spike:  
Who was that then? Never thought you were the type to go round chicks, you were always the prim and proper one, with the frills. The real sorts like working class chaps like me

Angel:  
Darla was special

Spike:  
Darla

Angel  
Come on you remember Darla

Spike:  
There is only one I remember of the dozens of exes I must have had in my time.

Angel  
But then I dusted her, she came back, and then she dusted herself

Angel starts crying

Angel:  
And my boy hates me, then you came and made it all better

Spike:  
Oh, come here baby  
üÿ

Spike and Angel embrace and they both wail loudly

Angel and Spike: Buffy

Angel:  
She s gone, but you are here

Spike:  
Oh Andrew was great, but you re the best

Angel:  
You split up with him cos you didn t like him filming you with his video camera, right

Spike  
He was a big girl s blouse, but you re extra large. Do you want me to be bad

Angel  
Ooh, I love it when you re bad, and not a silly Willy.

Spike:  
Bite me

Spike leans over towards Angel

Angel:  
Ooh, I like what you have done with your hair

Spike:  
It s Nice and Easy, imported from Britain, You have such feminine beauty, glad you ditched the Brylcream

Angel:  
Yes, I use regular gel now. It smells of spearmint

Spike:  
Okay Mr Minty Fresh, give us a hug

Angel:  
Who s that

Winifred enters dressed as Buffy

Winifred:  
Angel, Spike,

Spike:  
Buffy s back

Angel:  
Who is that

Winifred straightens her wig and is unsure of what Buffy would say

Winifred:  
Er, A Gorilla demon s escaped from the zoo and is wrecking havoc in the cemetery. Let s slay

Spike:  
Hmm, oh Buffy why did you leave me to die in that cave, you told me you loved me

Angel has tears in his eyes

Angel  
Buffy

Winifred:  
Yeh, yeh I er love you Spike, come here, let s get this over with

Angel  
Buffy you came back.

Spike:  
Come here love, lets have some fun, to make up for the time we lost whist I was stuck in that bloody gem

Angel  
Spike, why did you pick me over that

Winifred:  
Well you are kind of irresistible Angel

Winifred kisses Spike quickly

Spike:  
Wow, she was bad

Spike slumps to the floor

Winifred  
Oh Angel, I missed you so much

Angel  
Buffy, I m sorry I left you. I m sorry I can t be human for you

Winifred:  
I don t mind that you re a vampire; at least you ll remain sexy forever

Winifred kisses Angel

Angel:  
Buffy I

Angel falls onto his knees and falls into a deep sleep

Winifred takes off her wig

Winifred:  
I m glad that s over, that wig was really itchy

INT ANGELS ROOM

Angel is asleep ontop of his bed. Winifred is sat on a chair by the bed

Angel:  
Buffy, Buffy, you re back. I m sorry

Wesley enters the room

Wesley  
How s he doing

Winifred:  
He s delirious.

Angel:  
Buffy, I was waiting for you in the demon dimension

Winifred bathes Angels head with water

Winifred:  
Hush now it s all right Angel

Angel:  
You re here.

Wesley:  
Will he be

Winifred:  
He should be himself again in a few days

Wesley  
How s Spike

Winifred:  
Not so good

INT SPIKE S ROOM

Spike is asleep in his bed. Gunn and is standing beside him

Gunn:  
Hey man, pull yourself together

Spike:  
Come on Buffy, let s get horny baby

Gunn:  
Wake up you idiot

Spike  
If I wasn t such a prat, I bet we d have been doing this ages ago

Gunn:  
What s up with you

Spike:  
This is the greatest moment of my life. Just a minute, there s something not right here

Gunn: Huh

Spike: Bloody ell, I still can t do it, you keep falling through me

Spike falls through the bed, into the lobby below

INT LOBBY

Spike falls through the air downwards onto the Lobby floor

Spike  
Oof that hurt Buffy

Gunn and Winifred rush downstairs towards Spike

Winifred:  
Gunn what happened here

Gunn:  
He started saying all this weird stuff about Buffy and he fell through the floor

Winifred  
Oh oh, this doesn t look good

Winifred and Gunn pick Spike up off the floor

Spike  
Oh baby you re doing real good with your hands.

Gunn:  
Not good at all

Spike:  
That s a real nice back massage; it s healing all my sexy wounds

Winifred and Gunn place Spike onto the couch

Winifred  
Gunn, pass me that sword over there

Gunn:  
What for

Winifred:  
I m doing an experiment

Gunn passes the sword to Winifred

Winifred:  
Thanks

Winifred stabs Spike repeatedly through the hand with the sword

Gunn:  
What are you doing? Fred stop

Winifred:  
Nope, can t hurt him. He s not corporeal anymore.

Gunn:  
He s not corporeal. So all that was for nothing then

Winifred:  
Yep, the hocus pocus didn t work, so it s back to the drawing board and back to science

Gunn:  
Fred, where s Wesley

INT CHARMONIC DEMON S CAVE

The Charmonic demon is looking through a crystal ball. Spike, Winifred and Gunn are visible in the ball

Charmonic Demon:  
No, my plans are ruined

Wesley sneaks up behind the demon and holds a knife to its throat

Wesley  
So this is all your doing

Charmonic Demon  
Why isn t the champion corporeal

Wesley  
You gave me a love potion. Angel mentioned it in his delirium

Charmonic Demon  
If it wasn t for the Slayer s DNA on her lips then you wouldn t have been able to foil my plans human. How did you do it

Wesley:  
Fred and Buffy use the same lipstick. When Buffy was last in LA, she left some behind, so I simply switched them over

Charmonic Demon:  
And that was your clever plan to break the spell

Wesley:  
Fred was always confident that science would triumph over magic

Charmonic Demon:  
But human, it wasn t a love potion. It was a reuniting potion with a love spell added. It should have still made the vampire corporeal forever

Wesley:  
But the malady that was greatest was his desire to be loved by Buffy. Therefore, his need for physical pleasure is not as important to him as he makes us believe. He s a very spritual person

The Charmonic Demon lets out an evil laugh

Charmoinic Demon:  
But she will never know that. And he and the other one will remain in their delirium forever and our race will rule the world for all eternity

Wesley decapitates the demon with his knife

Wesley:  
Not in my city

INT ANGELS ROOM

Angel s eyes fill with a yellow glow, which then disappears causing Angel to wake up with a start

INT LOBBY

Winifred: Spike, Spike, help me hold him Gunn

Spike is convulsing on the couch

Spike:  
You re not going to get away from the horsey slayer

Winifred and Gunn pin Spike down

Spike  
Oh, you can restrain me better than that love

Spike s eyes fill with the same yellow glow as Angel s. The glow disappears and Spike regains his senses

Spike:  
Just what in the blazes are you two doing

Winifred  
Spike you re back, are you okay

Spike  
Of course, I am okay, do I look okay, of course, I do, you re not turning thick right

Gunn:  
Yeh he s back to normal

Spike  
You two have got a lot of explaining to do

Winifred:  
Well the gist of it was that you ve been under a spell, but the rest I ll explain later.

Spike:  
Oh, am I corporeal now

Gunn:  
Er no, sorry Spike man, it didn t work

Spike:  
Always knew science was a good thing. Oh, at least you tried. Unlike Mr, I m so special; I m gonna save the world with a bunch of overly paid lawyers , up there

Winifred:  
I had better check on Angel

INT ANGEL S ROOM

Angel is laying ontop of his bed and looks confused. Winifred enters the room

Winifred:  
You re awake again, that s good, how are you

Angel  
Alright I guess. What s been going on

Winifred:  
You ve been asleep for two days. I was worried that you d never wake up

Angel:  
You always worry too much; you know I ll always be here for you. You re a good friend Fred

Winifred  
I ve never thanked you enough for saving me from that awful place Pylea

Angel:  
I could hear you in my dreams calling my name. You were there watching everything. Why

Winifred:  
Was it a good dream

Angel:  
It was the best dream I ve ever had

INT LOBBY

Lorne and Wesley walk through the door. Winifred descends the stairs with Angel s arm over her shoulder. They all move towards the centre of the lobby. Winifred seats Angel next to Spike on the couch

Wesley:  
Iv e killed the demon

Lorne:  
So folks is everything back to normal. Are the two vamps still kissing

Spike:  
What

Lorne:  
I thought you two were going to be in love until people stopped wrecking my bar, which means forever

Angel  
I kissed Spike

Angel and Spike look at each other in disgust

Winifred:  
Lorne, they are normal now

Lorne  
Spikey, remember our little bet

Spike:  
Erm, not interested in your bet. I m bothered about what the powers that be have in store for our two magic meddlers here. Cos I am bloody pissed off that the Salem witch trials ended 400 years ago.

Gunn  
Angel

Angel  
What

Gunn:  
You like Elvis

Angel:  
I don t like Elvis, I like Barry Manilow

Lorne:  
You sang it in my club

Angel and Spike look embarrassed

Lorne  
About our bet Spike. You need to iron my silks for all eternity

Spike:  
I can t believe that I would ever kiss that brunette Rin Tin Tin look-alike over there. You re just using this as an excuse to get someone to do your ironing so that you have more time to sing Judy Garland

Winifred  
: He s right, you drank sea breeze

Spike:  
I drank that poofy drink. I so will never drink that

Angel:  
You did

Gunn:  
Angel, are you sure, you don t remember anything

Angel  
Just like the idea of Spike looking stupid

Spike:  
I am not ironing your shirts for all eternity

Lorne:  
Well, since I burned your bed, let s just make it a week

Spike:  
You burned my bed

Lorne:  
Yeh

Spike:  
You burned my bed

Lorne:  
Bought you a new King size

Spike:  
Oh, cool thanks. Always wanted one, but when I got my chip then my soul. I couldn t get no cash. Fred, how do you use an iron

Fred:  
Well you

There is a knock at the door

Wesley  
Since no one is talking to me, I guess I ll have to get it

Wesley opens the door; Buffy is standing on the porch. Wesley looks shocked

Wesley:  
Come in

Angel:  
Buffy

Spike:  
Buffy

Winifred:  
Gunn, we re going to need a lot of bandages

Buffy:  
Hi guys.


End file.
